God's Heart for the "Failing" Mom

Many of you know that I recently transitioned to a stay-at-home mom with a part-time, work from home job. I have always had a deep respect for stay-at-home moms, because I’m no fool. I know how hard it is to be with my kid for long stretches of time. Toddlers are relentless and have no mercy on their mothers.

This change has been great for me, but I will say that I have my moments. I usually lose steam for the day right around dinner time because 1) have you ever tried cooking a meal with a 1 year old pushing you by your calves and trying to climb on you? and 2) Avery and I usually have a, “disagreement,” right around dinner time. I tend to be the stickler when it comes to healthy diets and Rudy is more of the negotiator. As in, he likes to bat around the word cookie and I try to avoid it at all costs.

With Rudy’s work schedule, on a normal week there are two nights that I am left on my own for the dinner/bedtime death march…, I mean, routine.

these are the nights i dread.

Avery is so obedient, calm, and positive when she’s with Rudy. The days they spend together are usually defined as, so chill and fun. She didn’t cry at all. Imagine reading that in Rudy’s voice. Then Avery and I have a day together and it’s a, she pulled my neck hairs out and screamed for 30 minutes straight, kind of day. I’ve wrestled with the change in behavior between us. If I’m being honest, usually I question what it is that I’m doing wrong, or why she doesn’t listen to me like she does with Rudy. I’ve tried implementing the same tone of voice, same strategies, same moods even, as Rudy with no success. In other words, I’m trying everything I can and fail, when my husband tries virtually nothing and is Dad of the Year.

Last night was particularly challenging. It was a 57 minute (yes, I actually put on my stopwatch and timed how long it took) battle with Avery to get her to sleep. If we are counting, no, I didn’t win this one. She screamed, screamed, screamed. I tried to hold her. Tried to let her cry it out, tried to pray with her, read to her, sing to her. Anything. Even though I hated ending her day in tears, I closed the door and let her cry herself to sleep. Once things finally quieted down, I asked the Lord, what am I doing wrong? Why is this so hard for me and so easy for Rudy?

I felt the Lord say a few things.

Avery doesn’t need two Rudy’s. I’ve been trying things his way for a few days with no success. God reminded me that Rudy’s role as a father is going to be different than my role as a mother, and I need to just be myself. A father provides security, order, and peace. Rudy can just be very direct with her and she has clear instruction that she follows. My role as a mother is to nurture, to encourage, and to be a safe place to express emotions. Right now I’m getting the full spectrum of unrefined, sloppy feelings. It’s rough. But there will come a season where my time in the trenches will pay off. I’m building trust. She knows that she can express it all - and one day there will come a time where expressing those feelings won’t come so easy for her. I’m hoping that when those days come, she will still feel like she can come to me.

A lot of this reminds me of the way God works in us. God isn’t a pushover, but he also doesn’t bulldoze us. Sometimes God can be speaking a message over and over again, but we don’t hear it until our heart finally gets to the right place - and then it clicks. I want to love my daughter in a way that reflects the heart of God. God’s heart is unending, unconditional, steadfast, longsuffering, perfect love. And y’all, I’m suffering so I must be doing something right. LOL.

I woke up this morning, after that long marathon of sleep-fighting, after my dog started loudly vomiting in my living room at 5 am (I don’t want to talk about it), after my husband came home much later than I wanted him too, feeling heavy. But I took this morning and just prayed and journaled my heart to the Lord and he showed up and gave me strength.

For all my mamas out there, keep pushing through it.

There will come a day that the tantrums stop. There will come a day that whatever obstacle was in your way will be removed. Will we do it perfectly? Heck, no! But there’s so much grace. And as much as we love our kids, we know they love us with such a beautiful purity. It’s going to be okay.